Concealment
I'd heard bout this kind of thing happening which is why I wasn't making any dramatic deal about it. I generally don't really get overexcited about things anyway, I'm just not one of those people. I'm not easily surprised by things either. I think it's because I expect anything can happen. That's really make me sound like a believer and I'm not necessarily that either. I'll gonna phrase it better; I just accept whatever happen in my life. . All things. So my life was writing to me in my dream, though unusual, wasn't any surprise at all; it was more than unexpected and inconvenience. If this was an easy thing for me then I wouldn't have turn down everything and erase all the memory off my mind for all these time. .
I used to be dressing up in my maroon skin tight mini dress on this kind of Saturday night with a chill date (dine & movie). . These day I just stop doing it for about years till now. . Me and my then boyfriend used to have all the weekend night together. He would travel 6 hour of bus ride every single weekend to really look for me. We enjoyed it. We never really own anything together just the time he spend on me. He love the idea of bringing me to dine at different places with new atmosphere. He loved the place, enjoy the music, he loved the smells of every food I order, he enjoy watching me eating Texas chicken for our midnight snack. He also loved the idea of bringing me to meet all his family, joining him (family), he actually could balance just right. He was the guy that just perfect in TUMBLR which said ;spend enough time with their babe, buy me roses, buy me chocolate, take me out, spend time with me. . He was perfect.
And, he died.
Just joking, he's perfectly fine. Alive and well.
Cruel joke I know but I laughed. No, he's not dead. He's alive he still perfect.
But I left him. .
He had a new job now (I saw it on his social life). He'd signed an agreement with a new company after I left. Then sometime I switch over his social life watching him walking countries or sitting in a boat in some place in Thailand enjoying his green tea & pad thai; and always, after his word perfect review, in his perfect clothes- even after a week of hectic work, not even a mask on his face, dozen of beer and smoke- he still look perfect in his story and he'll say, "Wish you were." That's the description on every single of his social pages. He told me in the weeks and months that followed our traumatic break-up, while he was crying down the phone, that he'd named it for me, that every time he said it he was talking to me and only me and never ever to anybody else. He wanted me back. he called me everyday. Then every two days. Eventually it became once a week and I knew he'd been grappling with the phone for days trying to wait for that one moment to speak to me. Eventually, he stopped calling and he'd send emails. Long detailed emails about what he'd been up to, about how he felt without me, so depressing and so lonely I couldn't read any of them anymore. I stopped replying him. Then his e-mail got shorter. Less emotional, less detailed, always asking me to meet him thought, always asking us to get back together. I was tempted, don't get me wrong, he was a perfect man, and having a perfect, handsome man want you is sometimes enough to make you want him back, but that was in the weak moments of my own loneliness. I didn't want him. It wasn't that I'd met anybody else either, I told him that time and time again though perhaps it would have been easier if I'd pretended I had because then he could have moved on. I didn't want anybody else. I didn't really want anyone. I wanted just to stop for awhile. I wanted to stop doing things and stop moving. I wanted to be on my own way.
I left some of my job, never got a new one because I just wanted to focus on my study. We sold the car. I move out of place where we used to meet. I visit my family when held at a gunpoint, I go out with the same friend every time to place that he's not there. I don't miss him and when I do, I switch to his social pages and get enough dosage of him to feel content again. I don't miss my job. I miss the money a little bit when I see something in the shops or online that I want, but I leave the shop or I turn away and I get over it. I don't miss the dine & date. I don't miss the red roses too.
I fall in love with myself now and also start caring for myself more. . I don't expect much for now or maybe forever. . Eventually, I figured out that there's so many thing I can do on my own. I'm still collecting my soul piece by piece to be stronger back.. Short trip were so adventurous and fun, in the mean time I realize there's so much of thing I missed.
Goodbye old me, I'm glad I still have the chance to enjoy the changes
and seek for the rainbow .
I used to be dressing up in my maroon skin tight mini dress on this kind of Saturday night with a chill date (dine & movie). . These day I just stop doing it for about years till now. . Me and my then boyfriend used to have all the weekend night together. He would travel 6 hour of bus ride every single weekend to really look for me. We enjoyed it. We never really own anything together just the time he spend on me. He love the idea of bringing me to dine at different places with new atmosphere. He loved the place, enjoy the music, he loved the smells of every food I order, he enjoy watching me eating Texas chicken for our midnight snack. He also loved the idea of bringing me to meet all his family, joining him (family), he actually could balance just right. He was the guy that just perfect in TUMBLR which said ;spend enough time with their babe, buy me roses, buy me chocolate, take me out, spend time with me. . He was perfect.
And, he died.
Just joking, he's perfectly fine. Alive and well.
Cruel joke I know but I laughed. No, he's not dead. He's alive he still perfect.
But I left him. .
He had a new job now (I saw it on his social life). He'd signed an agreement with a new company after I left. Then sometime I switch over his social life watching him walking countries or sitting in a boat in some place in Thailand enjoying his green tea & pad thai; and always, after his word perfect review, in his perfect clothes- even after a week of hectic work, not even a mask on his face, dozen of beer and smoke- he still look perfect in his story and he'll say, "Wish you were." That's the description on every single of his social pages. He told me in the weeks and months that followed our traumatic break-up, while he was crying down the phone, that he'd named it for me, that every time he said it he was talking to me and only me and never ever to anybody else. He wanted me back. he called me everyday. Then every two days. Eventually it became once a week and I knew he'd been grappling with the phone for days trying to wait for that one moment to speak to me. Eventually, he stopped calling and he'd send emails. Long detailed emails about what he'd been up to, about how he felt without me, so depressing and so lonely I couldn't read any of them anymore. I stopped replying him. Then his e-mail got shorter. Less emotional, less detailed, always asking me to meet him thought, always asking us to get back together. I was tempted, don't get me wrong, he was a perfect man, and having a perfect, handsome man want you is sometimes enough to make you want him back, but that was in the weak moments of my own loneliness. I didn't want him. It wasn't that I'd met anybody else either, I told him that time and time again though perhaps it would have been easier if I'd pretended I had because then he could have moved on. I didn't want anybody else. I didn't really want anyone. I wanted just to stop for awhile. I wanted to stop doing things and stop moving. I wanted to be on my own way.
I left some of my job, never got a new one because I just wanted to focus on my study. We sold the car. I move out of place where we used to meet. I visit my family when held at a gunpoint, I go out with the same friend every time to place that he's not there. I don't miss him and when I do, I switch to his social pages and get enough dosage of him to feel content again. I don't miss my job. I miss the money a little bit when I see something in the shops or online that I want, but I leave the shop or I turn away and I get over it. I don't miss the dine & date. I don't miss the red roses too.
And I'm not unhappy.
I'm not.
Okay, I lied. .
He left me.
He sold away the car we bought together. He turn me down and all them, I was the one who been texting, calling and begging him to come back. I waited him at the places we used to visit. I cried myself to sleep for some times. I don't really go out with all my friend. I don't spend time going out having fun. Locked myself inside the room, drinking beer and listening to sober song where I think of suicide. I cried every single time while beeing at the places we used to visit together. I don't really care if stranger was looking at me or what. I just let myself sober till fck and I nearly lost myself. I took sleeping pills to force myself to sleep. I top up my social media every single time just to get his attention to look at me back for once. Acting like I'm very happy but it's actually killing me in the inner sight. You can see me either at the pub or the club taking tequila shot and chunking whisky till the bottom line
He's not that perfect, he left me for his ex.
He called, to scold me for stalking his ex and him.
Scold me for calling and texting him.
His ex have a new boyfriend. Better love life than him now.
He threw my hand twice when we was on our way to the movie together because his ex glare at him.
His ex called and scold me for dating with him. Eventually I've been labelled as the third wheel in their relationship.
He left so fast and left me a note " I miss her more than I miss us, I just replaced her with you. I'm tired of seeing you, you changed and you aren't that pretty you used to be. You gained weight. I just don't want to hurt her. But, it's okay for you because I don't really love you". This word directly give me a gun shot toward my brain and tell me stop waiting. It's hurt right? But it's over.
Now, I'm cutting down all this pain.. Looking back to the circle I used to be,was so toxic-dict. I'm actually glad of moving it on. Looking back at it, that's not the guy I used to know and I don't wanna be in that life. I just been through so much pain that keep the sadness stuck in my brain. I just miss all the memory. All the nightmare, I might be loosing it now. . I found no cure for the sadness and loneliness, nothing here feel like before but I still have to stay strong..
Goodbye old me, I'm glad I still have the chance to enjoy the changes
and seek for the rainbow .
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